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Post by Yogisd1 on Feb 28, 2017 1:08:01 GMT -5
After the invocation at Daytona yesterday, I asked my friends, "What kind of car do you think Jesus would have driven? One theory is that Jesus would cruise around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.” But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “Pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”
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Post by goodgrief on Mar 6, 2017 12:19:29 GMT -5
What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year old’s when they enter antique stores?
"Gosh, I remember these!"
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Post by goodgrief on Mar 6, 2017 12:20:09 GMT -5
How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?
Tell him you're pregnant.
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Post by goodgrief on Mar 22, 2017 12:03:53 GMT -5
Two engineers???
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
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Post by goodgrief on Mar 23, 2017 14:09:43 GMT -5
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
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Post by pegbundy on Mar 24, 2017 22:17:26 GMT -5
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,
”Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?" Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
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Post by Gant fan on Apr 5, 2017 13:39:42 GMT -5
5 Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities were discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.’
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when He observed: 'You're all wrong --. politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus the head and the ass are interchangeable.
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tac10
Full Member
Posts: 225
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Post by tac10 on Apr 8, 2017 15:27:29 GMT -5
Myles was a religious golfer. Every Sunday morning, he headed to the golf course. It didn’t matter what the weather was like; it could be raining and 45 degrees, and "J" didn’t care. It was off to the course every single Sunday morning for years. But one Sunday, "J" finally met his match with the weather. He got up early and drove out to the course, hoping the weather would improve by the time he hit the first tee. But once at the course, he knew he was beat. It was just a few degrees above freezing, and the rain was coming down steady and icy cold. For the first time in years, "J" headed back home on a Sunday morning. His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes, snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said, “Terrible weather out there.” “Yeah,” his wife replied, “Can you believe my idiot husband went golfing again?” (Some names have been changed to implicate the guilty)
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Post by Gant fan on Apr 10, 2017 12:30:15 GMT -5
I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
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Post by searchers on Apr 21, 2017 12:43:25 GMT -5
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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tac10
Full Member
Posts: 225
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Post by tac10 on Jun 23, 2017 11:48:43 GMT -5
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ______________________________ __ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said,'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ______________________________ __ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... ______________________________ _ My wife at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ______________________________ __ When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Lots of dust." And then the fight started... ______________________________ __ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ______________________________ __ My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." That's when the fight began . . . ______________________________ __ I rear-ended a car this morning . . . the start of a really bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started
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Post by Gant fan on Jul 13, 2017 14:55:39 GMT -5
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Post by Gant fan on Jul 21, 2017 13:17:52 GMT -5
Doug Pender lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed. He knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a cam-corder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses." "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property." The wife replies, "The asshole had a paper route."
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Post by goodgrief on Jul 24, 2017 16:09:06 GMT -5
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
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Post by 221dayton on Aug 11, 2017 11:29:56 GMT -5
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, . . . I'm turning Catholic.'
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