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Post by 30 years a fan on Aug 15, 2018 13:07:39 GMT -5
S cotch with two drops of water...
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and
orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As
the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birth-
day and it's today..'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birth-
day, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on
me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the
woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy
you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender,
I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left
says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender,
I want another Scotch with two drops of
water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am,
I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with
only two drops of water ?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you
are my age, you've learned how to hold
your liquor. Holding your water, however,
is a whole other issue.'
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Post by goodgrief on Aug 29, 2018 13:48:22 GMT -5
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it.
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires!
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Post by VAisforRacers on Oct 8, 2018 14:50:33 GMT -5
Bob and Ray, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”
Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they are senators.
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Post by Yogisd1 on Oct 31, 2018 6:49:05 GMT -5
Q: What are the three scariest words to someone reading Braille?
A: Do not touch.
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Post by pegbundy on Oct 31, 2018 22:54:52 GMT -5
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
It scares the seeing eye dogs.
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Post by Tom Pearce on Nov 10, 2018 0:19:56 GMT -5
Clint Bowyer calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, Hell, they even stole my gas pedal..." Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."
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