14fan
Full Member
Posts: 192
|
Post by 14fan on Dec 14, 2012 18:14:09 GMT -5
Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks, But One day St. Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.
|
|
|
Post by pegbundy on Feb 21, 2013 1:04:33 GMT -5
Gotta love those grandkids.
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?".
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's President's Day!".
She's smart, so I asked her "What does President's Day mean?".
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc.
She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bullshit."
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
|
|
|
Post by eastend on Feb 26, 2013 14:51:05 GMT -5
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'This may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!
|
|
|
Post by 221dayton on Apr 22, 2013 9:27:43 GMT -5
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would..) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."
|
|
14fan
Full Member
Posts: 192
|
Post by 14fan on May 2, 2013 10:31:52 GMT -5
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?
|
|
|
Post by goodgrief on May 23, 2013 10:11:27 GMT -5
The sharing of marriage....
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything..'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
|
|
|
Post by myles on May 23, 2013 16:11:52 GMT -5
The sharing of marriage.... The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .... As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything..' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered 'THE TEETH.'
|
|
|
Post by goodgrief on May 26, 2013 10:24:42 GMT -5
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact" "SHIT" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude, the hypnotist, was never invited back.
|
|
14fan
Full Member
Posts: 192
|
Post by 14fan on May 28, 2013 13:36:20 GMT -5
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
|
|
|
Post by myles on May 28, 2013 18:14:19 GMT -5
Please do not make fun of fat people................................they have enough on their plate.
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Jun 28, 2013 10:00:40 GMT -5
A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!
1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..'' His response -- click..
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US AND ARE IN POLITICS
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Jul 5, 2013 7:51:47 GMT -5
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
|
|
|
Post by goodgrief on Jul 11, 2013 12:16:47 GMT -5
Naked Swimmer Distracts Homeowner During Robbery
If a strange woman asks to swim in your pool naked, be suspicious.
In Crossville, Tenn., a man and woman asked if the woman could take a skinny dip, and then the man said he was leaving to get cigarettes, according to the Crossville Police Department.
But while the woman swam naked and the distracted homeowner watched, someone robbed the home of nearly $1,000 in jewelry, cash, a handgun and prescription drugs, police said.
"We've seen numerous distraction methods - asking for help looking for a dog, asking for help with gas for a stranded car and then people come back and find their home was burglarized," Crossville Police Department Det. J.C. Hancock said. "They just took it a new level using a naked woman."
Police said they have eliminated suspects but have not been able to locate the alleged criminals.
Hancock said he was surprised to see the method these burglars used.
"Every time I think I've seen it all, there's something new," he said.
According to ABC News affiliate in Nashville, Tenn., News 2, the incident happened on June 27. The victim, Stephen Amaral, 54, said he gave the 30-something woman a towel when she was done swimming.
"I escorted her outside and invited her to church, but she said she didn't have time for that, she wasn't ready for that," Amaral told News 2.
Amaral told News 2 he did not notice the theft until after the woman had already left.
"They cleared me out and I just feel violated," Amaral said.
Amaral told News 2 he formerly used the handgun as a Mississippi deputy and he planned to pass it on to his grandchildren.
The Crossville Police Department said the investigation was ongoing.
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Jul 21, 2013 9:41:25 GMT -5
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?' 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.' A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?' 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.' 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?' 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!' 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?' The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?' Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.' 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?' 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Jul 28, 2013 10:22:49 GMT -5
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
>
> He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
>
> The girl replied with a loud voice: " NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE
> >NIGHT WITH YOU!"
>
> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
> embarrassed and moved to another table.
>
> After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
> said with a laugh
>
> "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt
> embarrassed, right?
>
> The guy then responded in a loud voice: $500.00 FOR ONE NIGHT? NO
> >THANKS, THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH !
>
> All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
>
> The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw
> people".
|
|