14fan
Full Member
Posts: 192
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Post by 14fan on Aug 9, 2013 14:49:47 GMT -5
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
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Post by ACCC on Aug 19, 2013 8:49:27 GMT -5
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING
IN 2013
when...
1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who
works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in thegroceries...
7. Every commercial on television
has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line
before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and
nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly
to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .
~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~
NOW you're LAUGHING at yourself!
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused!" (Unknown Author)
------------
--------- --------- ---------
----
Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to!
Go lick your elbow.
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Sept 2, 2013 20:25:57 GMT -5
Loving all these jokes, thanks all. I'll dig some up & post them soon.
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Post by ACCC on Sept 3, 2013 15:01:01 GMT -5
We can all use a laugh mojo so your help will be welcome.
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Post by ACCC on Sept 13, 2013 8:29:46 GMT -5
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
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Post by ACCC on Sept 15, 2013 9:50:49 GMT -5
The Florida Code
FOR THOSE THAT LIVE HERE AND FOR THOSE THAT WANT TO COME HERE - THESE ARE THE FACTS THAT WE HAVE TO DEAL WITH-----------------
When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "take I-75, "take I-4 "or "take I-95."
If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M.
This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Freeways can only go north and south . . . Not east and west.
Tolls are a fact of life; the state has to make money, so deal with it!
I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction ... that's the law and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!
'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' is the same road.
Traffic lights are not timed and never will be.
We measure the distance we travel in time - not miles.
If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost!
If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4 or I-275, it’s perfectly acceptable to back up!
Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e. Adamo = Rt. 60) just for the heck of it -- and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.
Once the light turns green, only 3 cars can go through the intersection eight more go through on yellow, and 4 more on red.
Know the difference between SunPass, Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel and Sun Trust.
Flip flops, tank tops and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.
Your car's signal blinker means nothing.
English is our second language.
It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.
We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.
When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.
You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee - Lake, Town, County, Blvd, Street, and Avenue.
A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches.
You weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that everyone else has moved here.
There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner - with more being built every day.
When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check for an Adams apple.
It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your Christmas decorations.
There is a city called 'The Villages' where 87,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets.
50% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it.
Jupiter is a city, not a planet.
Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays...not weeknights or weekends...that's for the working folks.
There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and also a football team.
You can't say; 'this is how we did it up north'. If you think that way, then go back up north. Just remember, I-95 and I-75 run both ways.
No matter what they decide in Tallahassee you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.
Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside. But inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.
This would be even funnier if it weren't so true
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Post by chuck on Sept 19, 2013 11:14:14 GMT -5
Obama Halloween Executive Order
By Executive Order #13,207 Obama has appointed certain community organized private homes throughout the USA to represent his social structure beliefs and function as his direct representative.
The purpose will be to tax the candy bags of children who knock on the official representative's door, removing a portion of the candy from each costumed trick or treater's bag to distribute to those too lazy to go out and Trick or Treat.
Enforcement will be the duty of the United States Attorney General.
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Post by chuck on Sept 21, 2013 10:13:19 GMT -5
There once was a pervert named Weiner,
who had a perverted demeanor.
Forced from the Hill for acting like Bill,
now Congress is one weiner leaner.
Moral: "If you tweet your meat, you lose your seat."
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14fan
Full Member
Posts: 192
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Post by 14fan on Sept 21, 2013 16:14:42 GMT -5
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Post by ACCC on Sept 22, 2013 8:54:17 GMT -5
That is cute.
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Post by DHOB on Sept 23, 2013 12:58:11 GMT -5
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Post by ACCC on Sept 26, 2013 8:30:40 GMT -5
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Sept 29, 2013 2:33:42 GMT -5
In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. OMG, this is so wrong! (Love your warped sense of humor)
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Sept 29, 2013 2:43:58 GMT -5
A Russian, a Frenchman & a Polack were lined up in front of a firing squad awaiting execution. The Russian was 1st & he pointed behind the firing squad & yelled Flood! When the soldiers turned to look, he escaped. The Frenchman quickly devised his plan & hollered Tornado! He escaped as well. The Polack, thinking he caught on, yelled Fire.
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Sept 29, 2013 2:46:02 GMT -5
What do you call two gay guys named Bob?
Oral Roberts
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