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Post by Schmoopy1000 on Oct 17, 2013 19:02:07 GMT -5
My girlfriend and I were watching a TV show about psychology the other night. The host was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions. I told her "That's a crock, I'll bet you couldn't tell me anything that would make me happy and sad at the same time." She turned to me and said "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest package." LOL
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14fan
Full Member
Posts: 192
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Post by 14fan on Oct 19, 2013 10:35:06 GMT -5
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved to Florida . The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house." The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes. She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." Love, Mama.
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Post by goodgrief on Oct 19, 2013 14:24:46 GMT -5
Good one ;D
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Post by ACCC on Oct 21, 2013 8:14:15 GMT -5
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear.....
"No, Norwegian.
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Oct 26, 2013 20:51:47 GMT -5
How do you keep a moron in suspense? I am still waiting for Mojo to come back and finish this joke. ;D Smart ass DUH
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Oct 26, 2013 20:54:08 GMT -5
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No." Stunned, but refusing to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear..... "No, Norwegian. This is hilarious. ;D
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Oct 26, 2013 21:00:04 GMT -5
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police." Adam ate the apple, too! Men will never learn! (Men will never learn) good grief, so true!
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Oct 26, 2013 22:16:35 GMT -5
Dear Son,
I am writing this slow cuz I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address cuz the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The 1'st dayI put 4 shirts in it, pulled the chain & haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week. 3 days the 1st time & 4 days the second day. The wind was so bad that 1 of the chickens laid the same egg 3 times.
The coat you wanted me to send you...your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off & put them in the pockets.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 people under him. He is cutting grass @ the cemetery. I went to the doctor on Thursday, your father went along with me. The doc put a small tube in my mouth & told me not to open it for 10 days. Your dad wanted to buy the tube from him.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out if it's a boy or girl, so we don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off bravely. He drowned. We cremated him, he burned for 3 days.
Remember your friend Tom? Well, he is no longer in this world. His dad died & wanted to be buried @ sea, so Tom drowned digging his dad's grave.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other 2 were in the back. The driver got out, rolled down the window & swam to safety. The other 2 drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news @ this time, nothing much has happened.
Love, your mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was sealed.
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Post by ACCC on Oct 27, 2013 12:01:18 GMT -5
Group Therapy A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
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Post by ACCC on Oct 28, 2013 10:30:09 GMT -5
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now we drink like our fathers!
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Post by ACCC on Oct 29, 2013 10:17:06 GMT -5
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it" He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man!
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Post by Yogisd1 on Oct 29, 2013 12:24:38 GMT -5
Now that one really made me laugh out loud. Funny stuff.
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Post by pegbundy on Oct 29, 2013 22:12:14 GMT -5
This thread does pretty good. Accc has done an good job and now has help from Mojo. It should hit 1,000 posts in no time.
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Post by Gant fan on Oct 30, 2013 10:12:57 GMT -5
I was telling a girl in my neighborhood bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday."
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Post by Yogisd1 on Nov 4, 2013 23:48:05 GMT -5
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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