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Post by Yogisd1 on Nov 4, 2013 23:49:45 GMT -5
No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationary.
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Post by ACCC on Nov 7, 2013 10:20:29 GMT -5
Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all said in unison,'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....
'We were at your birthday party yesterday.'
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Post by Chuck on Nov 9, 2013 10:57:50 GMT -5
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot', he shouted. 'An Ambulance just drove by.' 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company', he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike....' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving' 'Jason is on his skate board....' After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they are having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a lollipop.'
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Post by ACCC on Nov 11, 2013 10:02:12 GMT -5
The NYC Police Department (NYPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test and releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The FBI goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten deer. The deer is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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Post by eastend on Nov 12, 2013 19:18:59 GMT -5
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.”
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Post by Tom Pearce on Nov 14, 2013 12:18:19 GMT -5
The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has opened in Orlando , just off I-4 where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework...
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Post by Schmoopy1000 on Nov 14, 2013 12:23:13 GMT -5
LOL
you women should be ashamed of yourselves. ;D
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Post by 221dayton on Nov 14, 2013 13:25:16 GMT -5
Wow Tom. Good thing Nancy does not read the board.
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Post by Schmoopy1000 on Nov 14, 2013 14:34:31 GMT -5
Wow Tom. Good thing Nancy does not read the board. why? is she gonna ask for a refund or an upgrade at the 5th floor? ;D
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Post by Gant fan on Nov 14, 2013 18:04:27 GMT -5
If you got a wife you should know why. If you don't then you got some stuff to learn.
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Post by Yogisd1 on Nov 16, 2013 22:02:46 GMT -5
Do you know why Austin Dillon wears that cowboy hat? He thinks he's Richard Petty and Dale Earnhardt rolled into one. Sorry everyone, but after watching that race today, I couldn't help myself.
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Post by ACCC on Nov 18, 2013 11:22:20 GMT -5
Cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the driver is VERY handsome and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic"
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
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Post by DHOB on Nov 20, 2013 10:09:04 GMT -5
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go.
Cause' man, they're gone.
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Post by ACCC on Nov 21, 2013 9:21:26 GMT -5
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Post by grahamcracker on Nov 21, 2013 18:27:34 GMT -5
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