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Post by pegbundy on Feb 5, 2018 23:00:30 GMT -5
Hey everybody we need some jokes!
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Post by Gant fan on Feb 6, 2018 19:30:00 GMT -5
THE BROTHEL The madam opened the brothel door in Pittsburgh and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie." "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. He replied, "No, I must see Valerie." Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?" The man replied, "Erie." "Really," she said. "I have family in Erie." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." ----------------------------------------------------------------- The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes; and 3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
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Post by searchers on Feb 6, 2018 20:19:43 GMT -5
A guy wins*a free ticket to the Super Bowl. He's very excited.
However, when he gets there he realizes his seat's in the back of the stadium. So he looks around for a better seat, and, to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field. He approaches the older guy who's sitting in the seat next to the empty one*and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, "No."
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older guy replies, "It's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she's passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the young guy says, taken aback. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
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Post by pegbundy on Feb 7, 2018 0:03:40 GMT -5
Quick work guys,thanks!
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Post by searchers on Feb 7, 2018 14:42:24 GMT -5
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.
"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.
"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband
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Post by pegbundy on Feb 9, 2018 22:59:09 GMT -5
Jimmy Spencer has lived along the river for about 10 years and across from Jimmys theres this Old Hillbilly named Clarence. Jimmy hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Army Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Jimmy was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and "whup Clarence's butt". He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and "whup Clarence's butt?" He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARENCE 8 FT 3 IN"
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Post by Tom Pearce on Feb 11, 2018 13:37:55 GMT -5
Bran Muffins The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.' Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.' The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.. 'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!' The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.' The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your damn bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!' KIND OF BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT?
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Post by grahamcracker on Feb 12, 2018 16:01:33 GMT -5
After a tiring day, Emily settled down in a seat on her train and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi sweetheart. It’s Gavin. I’m on the train.
“Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting.
“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.
“Yes, I promise, cross my heart.”
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When Emily, exasperated, had had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Gavin, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Red-faced and absolutely shocked, he shut off his phone and didn’t say a single word for the rest of the train ride.
Gavin doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer. And Emily finally got some well-deserved shut-eye.
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Post by Gant fan on Feb 18, 2018 20:05:14 GMT -5
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in an Airport Terminal
The first lady was an arrogant young woman married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman.
After a little while the young woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The older lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the older commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the older lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the older lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried,
"What on earth could they teach you??"
The older lady responded,
"Well as an example...instead of saying,
"Who gives a shit?
I learned to say,
Well, isn't that fantastic" :-D
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Post by 221dayton on Feb 24, 2018 13:59:47 GMT -5
Stress!
You pick up a hitchhiker... A young, sexy, beautiful girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the hospital.
Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, And probably have been since birth. You're extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home... On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home... NOW THAT IS STRESS
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Post by goodgrief on Feb 26, 2018 16:06:24 GMT -5
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............ "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Post by Gant fan on Mar 11, 2018 19:24:46 GMT -5
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old..." The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper...it's worse when you forget...to pull it down! Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her...what does she look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?' To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
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Post by searchers on Mar 20, 2018 13:46:38 GMT -5
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his spouse.
“Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 8 p.m..”
His spouse glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
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Post by Gant fan on Mar 30, 2018 15:14:55 GMT -5
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says...
"Had him circumcised."
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Post by searchers on Apr 5, 2018 18:21:54 GMT -5
SLEEPING WITH BOB
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
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