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Post by pegbundy on Apr 15, 2018 22:54:58 GMT -5
A confused little child went to her mother and asked "Mommy, where did I come from."
The mother lovingly said that according to the bible, we all come from Adam and Eve.
Still confused, the little girl went to her father, "Daddy, where did I come from."
The father decided to explain evolution and said we all evolved from apes.
Still confused, the tike went to her mother and said, "Mommy, you said we came from Adam and Eve. Daddy just told me we evolved from apes."
"Your father was talking about his side of the family," the mother said.
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Post by searchers on Apr 26, 2018 14:16:12 GMT -5
Sorry, I removed this as I am unable to locate it again.
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Post by pegbundy on Apr 26, 2018 22:22:40 GMT -5
Wouldn't work for me.
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Post by Tom Pearce on Apr 28, 2018 16:42:37 GMT -5
Wouldn't work for me. Me neither. Let me know if you wan it removed, Searchers or maybe you can fix it.
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Post by searchers on Apr 30, 2018 21:49:56 GMT -5
Peg and Tom
I took it out.
Sorry for the confusion.
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Post by pegbundy on Apr 30, 2018 23:05:25 GMT -5
No problem
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Post by Gant fan on May 11, 2018 12:40:48 GMT -5
VERNON'S FUNERAL
Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league..."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"Oh, she's the waitress from the golf club
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Vern's wife, now furious,
grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps inbeside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says ,
" Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time."
VERN'S FUNERAL will be Friday at 2:00 PM.
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Post by goodgrief on May 27, 2018 16:38:56 GMT -5
How can you tell when a NASCAR fan is watching a Formula One race?
When he taps you on the shoulder and asks "Are we watching qualifying?"
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Post by Gant fan on Jun 4, 2018 12:05:25 GMT -5
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!" Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
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Post by goodgrief on Jul 5, 2018 12:14:09 GMT -5
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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Post by goodgrief on Jul 9, 2018 14:44:39 GMT -5
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor.
'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
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Post by goodgrief on Jul 16, 2018 12:47:22 GMT -5
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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Post by pegbundy on Jul 16, 2018 22:12:20 GMT -5
GG we really enjoy the jokes you supply. Thank You
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tac10
Full Member
Posts: 225
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Post by tac10 on Jul 24, 2018 12:00:30 GMT -5
The Millennials are now traveling unsupervised!
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We ass/u/me/d it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to siesta in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun"
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you all responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
BEWARE ...THEY WALK AMONG US and...THEY VOTE!
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Post by 30 years a fan on Aug 15, 2018 13:03:38 GMT -5
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
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