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Post by searchers on Aug 11, 2017 18:21:01 GMT -5
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ?Please allow me to help. I?m a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you?d allow me.? ?Oh, no, I?ll be alright. I?ll be fine in a few minutes,? the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ?How does that feel?? ?Feels great,? he replied; ?but I still think my thumb?s broken!?
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Post by Yogisd1 on Aug 11, 2017 18:53:09 GMT -5
That's pretty funny stuff, searchers.
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Post by searchers on Aug 12, 2017 12:25:54 GMT -5
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Post by searchers on Sept 3, 2017 15:53:14 GMT -5
Here is another good one.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.” The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man replies, “My wife.”
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Post by goodgrief on Oct 13, 2017 13:33:33 GMT -5
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!' 'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked. 'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An answer I can understand..... An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND." Brian spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DW & Mikey: find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station. Mikey: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Darrell: "We'll lie and say we only found two." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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Post by Yogisd1 on Oct 15, 2017 1:00:21 GMT -5
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. he would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.
NOW............
Enough of that crap . ..The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock..
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.
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Post by Gant fan on Oct 25, 2017 15:38:12 GMT -5
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good
for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the
pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just
pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces,
like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't
hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience
would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering: Would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"
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Post by searchers on Oct 25, 2017 19:08:36 GMT -5
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 14, 2017 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!
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Post by Gant fan on Nov 15, 2017 13:36:35 GMT -5
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession in 1960..
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father.. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Post by pegbundy on Nov 21, 2017 0:18:36 GMT -5
A man rises to the gates of heaven to face his final questioning by St. Peter.
St. Peter asks, "What have you done that is worthy and noble"?
The man replies, "I rescued a woman from being attacked by a mob.
There were a group of biker’s harassing a young woman, and it didn't look like this was going to end well.
I found the biggest, brawniest biker - walked up to him and started screaming, and carrying on. I kicked over his bike, and punched him in the jaw.
This got the attention of the gang, and while they were focusing on me - I saw that the woman was able to run away to safety".
St. Peter asks, "When did this happen"?
"About 2 minutes ago”.
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Post by goodgrief on Dec 10, 2017 14:25:48 GMT -5
The Gay Cowboy...
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)
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Post by Gant fan on Dec 23, 2018 14:24:07 GMT -5
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
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Post by Gant fan on Jan 9, 2019 16:07:38 GMT -5
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed
that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
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