|
Post by Schmoopy1000 on Dec 27, 2013 19:54:39 GMT -5
that is good ;D
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Dec 31, 2013 9:25:45 GMT -5
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. "Hey, bitch," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,
"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Jan 8, 2014 9:45:34 GMT -5
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I,J,& K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving one of his testicles.
|
|
|
Post by Guess Who on Jan 13, 2014 8:46:49 GMT -5
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me….
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod ……..
This is what happens when old people start using technology!
|
|
|
Post by Gant fan on Jan 13, 2014 21:22:24 GMT -5
Not a fan of fart jokes but that was funny.
|
|
|
Post by pegbundy on Jan 17, 2014 23:39:22 GMT -5
LOL well I didn't expect that punch line at all.
|
|
|
Post by searchers on Jan 20, 2014 11:57:37 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by goodgrief on Feb 6, 2014 19:00:17 GMT -5
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the
radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have
8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so
the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave
the car in the garage this time."
I didn't see it coming either!
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Feb 16, 2014 12:07:55 GMT -5
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.
So", he says to them:
"Bernie , I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza. "
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says,
"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole has a paper route!"
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Feb 21, 2014 8:16:59 GMT -5
Girls night out
Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married ....
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 A.M., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time got in,and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew!! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. Sh*t", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Mar 5, 2014 11:00:01 GMT -5
I've been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends". Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will! Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
|
|
|
Post by Yogisd1 on Mar 6, 2014 2:41:31 GMT -5
I love it! Thanks for educating me.
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Mar 8, 2014 12:13:52 GMT -5
I love it! Thanks for educating me. Glad you enjoy the humor yogi.
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Mar 8, 2014 12:14:15 GMT -5
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. ''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'' ''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
|
|
|
Post by ACCC on Mar 8, 2014 12:17:31 GMT -5
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform,
marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds -
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran,and marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists
and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
We'll have a new one."
|
|