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Post by pegbundy on Nov 21, 2013 23:48:55 GMT -5
That is some really good editing and very gross.
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Nov 25, 2013 3:17:37 GMT -5
That is some really good editing and very gross. this is a rip off of Lake Placid!!!
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mojo
Full Member
Posts: 125
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Post by mojo on Nov 25, 2013 4:37:46 GMT -5
A man & a woman were sitting next to each other in the first class section of a jet. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue & gently wiped her nose. She then shuddered for 10 to 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose & then shuddered quite violently. Assuming she may have a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, he asked the woman, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed 3 times, wiped your nose & shuddered violently. Are you okay?" "Sorry if I disturbed you," replied the woman. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" "Yes," she said, "pepper."
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Post by goodgrief on Nov 29, 2013 15:05:57 GMT -5
Always wondered why my sister-in-law sneezes in groups of three.
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Post by ACCC on Nov 30, 2013 9:07:33 GMT -5
Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Post by Chuck on Dec 6, 2013 18:49:05 GMT -5
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed. Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Im sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled........"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"
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Post by ACCC on Dec 11, 2013 9:53:44 GMT -5
Job at the FBI > > > The FBI had an opening for an assassin. > > > After all the background checks, interviews and > testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two > men and a woman. > > > > For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the > men to a large metal door and handed him a > gun. > > > > 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. > > > > Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a > chair .. . . kill her!!' > > > > The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never > shoot my wife.' > > > > The agent said, 'then you're not the right man for > this job. Take your wife and go home.' > > > > The second man was given the same instructions. He > took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet > for about 5 minutes. > > > > The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'you don't > have what it takes. Take your wife and go > home.' > > > > Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the > Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the > gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one > after another. They heard screaming, crashing, > banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was > quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the > woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. > > > 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to > beat him to death with the chair.'
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Post by Yogisd1 on Dec 11, 2013 17:53:11 GMT -5
I like that one. One of the best ones I've seen here.
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Post by ACCC on Dec 15, 2013 9:33:20 GMT -5
Thanks Yogisd1.
Is that really you dressed up as Santa?
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Post by ACCC on Dec 15, 2013 9:37:05 GMT -5
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? **************************** Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
**************************** Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. **************************** Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK! Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. **************************** Customer: I can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five dots. **************************** Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. **************************** Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first email. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it? **************************** This one and the next are our personal favorites! A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' **************************** And last but not least! Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.' Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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Post by Yogisd1 on Dec 16, 2013 12:18:26 GMT -5
Thanks Yogisd1. Is that really you dressed up as Santa? Yes it is. It was taken last Tuesday.
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Post by pegbundy on Dec 22, 2013 22:44:37 GMT -5
DONATIONS A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
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Post by ACCC on Dec 25, 2013 10:48:56 GMT -5
Thanks Yogisd1. Is that really you dressed up as Santa? Yes it is. It was taken last Tuesday. Wow Yogi, you make the perfect Santa. Merry Christmas.
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Post by Yogisd1 on Dec 26, 2013 2:39:47 GMT -5
Thank you. It was a very good Christmas this year. Hope you had the same.
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Post by escape artist on Dec 27, 2013 18:24:16 GMT -5
Older Employee Notice!
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREWprogram (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as muchSHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
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